Here we go!

I don't even want to look and see when the last time I blogged was, or what it said. I'm sure I was rambling about this or that and trying to decide what to do with my future. Guess some things never change, because I am currently in that position again. I don't think my life stems from lack of commitment, I think it comes from endless curiosity and the ability to be mobile... to get up and move again after I've stayed a little bit somewhere. Kind of a rambling heart, gypsy soul... or just born a vagabond, for now at least. Not complaining, I love the life of adventure and all that comes with it. It only feels right that I would start blogging again as I am near the middle of my time with AmeriCorps (I can try to update this part later). I am working two jobs- one with AC and one as a server at a new restaurant in downtown Denver. I go from social worker who helps kids fill out forms for food stamps, free housing vouchers and assistance to serving $100+ checks to a couple of two out for happy hour on a Friday night all within an hour of each other. Such is my life though, I believe. I think I have finally hit the point of comfort when I am able to go after things and do them because it is what I want to do. This year was perfect.. I have learned so much about the social work field and grown in so many ways from it- both positive and negative sides. I will be out of debt as a student, and as far as I'm concerned, free to ramble and continue on my journey. So, if it hasn't been too long, and you can stand it- bear with me as I endeavor on my next quest. This one, starting with learning spanish =) These next few months will be dedicated to: well, learning spanish. Also running more (half or full marathon in the future?), creating my crafts to sell at farmers markets this summer, reading more and much much less drinking (not that it was a problem- just to save money and help with the getting in shape process!). So, once again, here we go!

Takin' steps.

This feeling that I have right now, this overcome emotion and love and desire gives my heart the peace and comfort (I don't know if I needed) but is so reassuring that I am doing the right thing next year. I am so ready to get started with this next part of my life beginning! Feeling more alive by the minute, I am so thankful and grateful. I am ready to pour my heart out and love these people, these youth, with everything I have. In a way I'm ready to move and unpack my life in a way that I don't think I ever have before. While I've moved before and lived with different people, I am taking the first step into my professional career and life. With that will come trials and errors, there are sure to be hardships and it won't always be as fun and glamorous as it can sound when explaining it to people.. but somehow I feel like I am ready. While this will be a great new responsibility for me, it is also the most relationship oriented job that I have ever worked in... and that is a lot to take in. I think I need to be honest and real with myself in these next weeks and months as they unfold. Work on diving deeper and listening harder, seeing between the lines and truly finding out who people are. Not that I need to necessarily 'work on it,' but instant love and unconditional love. I've felt my life be ripped away from my hands and scrambled to pick it up, yet I have never felt the pain and devastation that these teens have faced in such a short time. With love and laughter, honesty and truth, this is an entirely new adventure, one that I need to be honest in how hard it will be at times.

City Adventures

Part of the reason I love going a new place or getting a new job is that they just know you, for who you are and present to them. In the simplest terms, to them, right now, I am a ginger. A red head. They never saw the natural hair color of strawberry blonde or the bleached out summer blonde I rocked this time last year. And in more real terms, the true friends are the ones who don't have to question, doubt or wonder who you are. So maybe right now I decide that I like the deep auburn color of my hair and in a few years it will be different: no big, right? In the same sense, people who meet you along the way will know you with the information that you present them with.

Not sure if this makes sense. I told my mom today on the phone that I need to move to Denver because I need to find friends who will go to the farmer's market with. While that is exaggerated and dramatic, it is also somewhat true. My friends have a special place in my heart for certain reasons, but at the same time I am missing a few different things. I want someone to be adventurous in the city with! And I feel like I barley know or appreciate Omaha for what it has to offer. Today I checked two things off my list that I have been waiting to do: 1- farmer's market! and 2- the 13th street coffee shop! I plan on driving down to that coffee shop at least once a week, even if it is just to find out the latest fun happenings in Omaha. I saw a poster and absolutely loved what a United Methodist Church was advertising and now that is next to do on my to do list! In the same way that IV caught my eye at school: good graphics and social justice.


"You'll find that life is still worthwhile if you just smile"
-Smile, Charlie Chaplan

One Day You Will

So I started running again! With a few breaks for water/lunch and brief walks Amy and I reached 7 miles today! Although it is 3:30 am, I have plans to wake up tomorrow and get the day started (before the rain!) with hopefully another nice long run.

So I don't know what it is about coming and going... but I tend to be good at it. Wonder if there is some underlying commitment issues involved here?
Lady A always gets me... and a few particular lines of an older not well known song keeps coming to mind, thought I'd share...

Down the road the sun is shining.
Every cloud there is a silver lining.
Just keep holding on.
Every heartache makes you stronger
It won't be much longer.
You'll find love,
you'll find peace,
and the YOU you're meant to be.
Know right now that's not the way you feel...
But one day you will.

So true. So, so true. And I want to believe I am on my way. Somehow. Not sure where it will be or how it will turn up, but I do believe that eventually I will wake up and where I am is where I will want to be. Maybe I will go to grad school. Maybe I'll become a licensed counselor. Maybe I'll travel. Maybe I'll write. Maybe I'll surprise myself with some decisions. The best things will always travel with me, maybe that is why I have always been so obsessed with pictures.. so that my friends & family can always be held close with me.

So the rest of this week... more running, more writing, more positivity. More people, more looking into future options. Find a sewing machine, read more, clean up and make room. As always, more love, more patience and more hope. Always, hope.



Find the strength to rise above... you will, find just what you're made of.

Re-Evaluate.

We'll keep this short and sweet since it's been so long, I'd much rather ease back into things... but today is July 1st, which means half way through the year 2010! Now, I got up and ran this morning before realizing this, but I am hoping it is a good sign of what is to come the second half of the year (not that I'm complaining about the first half!)

It is time to re-evaluate and follow up as well as check on some of my new year's resolution. Now if I were say, an organized person, I'd have this written out in a place that is easy to find. And while I'm sure it is written out, I am also aware that through the moving and my less of an organized more of a mess home currently, that finding this might be impossible at such time. We'll just leave it at one key thought that I feel today: lighter. Things are brighter. More hopeful. Lemon water tastes better, fresh air sweeter and things are on the up and up. Today shall be a good day.


Picture of the day: stretching beneath the shade of three amazingly large trees in my front yard.



Till next time! [Tomorrow!]

Everyone deserves the chance to fly.

I'm through accepting limits, cause someone says they're so. Some things I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know!!


It's been a ride. It's gone up, and it's gone down. It's twisted and it's turned. Some passengers decided to get off, while others were up for the challenge and the thrill. But the rides can only last for so long. Well, one ride can. But you can hop on another. And run to the next. Then for fun, you can go back to the one before. See, the exciting part about that one ride is that you know you love it, but there is no realizing you love it until after it is over and you are safe on the side. See, there is this moment... as you slowly creep and slowly climb up the mounting hill, everyone knows what is ahead. What prepares you for that? Well, experience tells you that you've been there before and you can make it through. That friend next to you? They tell you that you are not alone. The past memories tell you that those hills, the climb, the fall, the thrill, they never last for ever, but there is a chance to get back on and there is a chance to enjoy the down time as well. Life is a ride. The fear and the excitement and the unknown... the challenges, set backs and chance in it all. Sometimes you sit at the front and let the wind blow in your face as you scream to the world "I can do anything!" While other times it is better to sit further in the back, watching the others take on the experience and learning from them. Then, you step off, pick up your belongings and go on living your life. Every once in awhile you will think of that time, on the top of the ride, going faster than you'd ever imagine on the ride, the thought when you feared for tomorrow. And in that moment, there will be no greater satisfaction than taking in the surroundings, taking in a deep breath and breathing out that yes... you did it. You made it till now, and for now that is enough. Because now, that is an accomplish in itself.



"Something has changed within me, something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game. Too late for second guessing, to late to going back to sleep. It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap."


Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity.



And if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free.

Venting 101. Proceed with caution.

I feel the need to blog and process and vent and then probably delete. What have I done to myself over the past few weeks, where did this come from? Who is this person that stares at me through the mirror? What is going on? Priorities, out the window... Stress is off the charts. And all is coming from within. In psychology we have a term for this; it's called self handicapping. It is most noticable in athletic and testing situations. People will purposefully set themselves up for failure. Ridiculous, right? Who would do such a thing! But the truth is we do it all the time. We chose to watch a show instead of study that extra hour, get less sleep than we should have or spend more time on things that are less valuable (facebook and other social media) than put our effort into the things that matter. Why? So that when we fail (not always fail, but that is what you are setting yourself up for) you will have an excuse. It's comfort. It helps you sleep at night knowing that you did 'what you could' but could have done better, just maybe, if you had chosen the other road, the wiser decision in it all.
So here I stand, or more-so sit. In the same chair I've been for the past four hours. Four hours in the same chair?! Yes. So I should have a lot done and a lot to show, but instead I don't. And I recognize this in me. Now because there is so much to do tomorrow I will not have as much time to spend at my internship, I might feel the need to skip class to make up for what was not done now and I just might have to give up my shift at work, which are all very important and crucial right now, to make up for what should be getting done now.
But I need to process.
I need to allow myself to take in what I am doing right now.
And get it off my chest, even just for this temporary moment.
I am creating this image of myself that does not match up with the same person that I have been for the past 22 years of my life, or more relevantly, 6 or so years of my life. I have not worked for the past four years, not necessarily to build my resume, but to build experience and life and understanding to throw it away. I might not always believe it, but I need to realize for myself and my own safety and future that I am better than that. I have found something that I have dreamt of doing, and spent FOUR YEARS PLUS preparing for! And I am going to throw it away because of stress? Who is putting this stress on me? Sure my parents want me to find a job and people would like to see me succeed, but it is me, consumed by my own selfish thoughts and doubt that is doing this. I am causing all of this! The doubt, the questions, the uncertainty and all of this boils down to my lack of confidence in myself and own abilities. Truth? The Lord has blessed me with this beautiful path of life that I am normally very grateful for. Through thick and thin, the early mornings and late nights, the trials and joys-- all of it has lead me to this point. And what do I do? Turn my back from the course and attempt to erase, to scribble in new lines, attempting to go back and rework the art that has been completed and solid for a long time.
What now?
Stop wallowing. Stop questioning. Give up the doubt! Here you are and here you stand: two feet on solid ground. Not a quitter and not this person. I don't need the affirmation from others that I am headed in the 'right' direction, I don't need others to see or know what I am going through each moment and minute. I have been independent for so long, what is the point of suddenly giving into my feelings of need for those things that have always been unnecessary in the past? Yes, there is uncertainty and a lot up in the air for the future, but there is also joy and hope and experience to be gained and ENJOY. From the inside out I have wanted and strove for this most of my days... and here I am at the brink of embracing the joy and excitement of change and a new, greater challenge, and I want to turn and run? I want to bury my head in the sand? I want to give up?
Hold on-- give up?
No. No no no. Haha, Steph- you are going to give yourself some credit here. Your power, determination and unstoppableness throughout life has been what makes you stand out, and makes you you! Lets put it in physical terms so that you can understand and realize the potential from within that you have had and experienced in other things, and channel those thoughts of confidence and drive into your LIFE::: swimming. Freshman year (high school). Ages ago! Yet so clear. I got lapped in warm ups! I was so scared of being so bad I did the self handicapping thing and did anything I could to get OUT of having to go to practice pre season! You were by no means great your freshman year, but a piece of you fell in love, because yes Stephanie, you are capable of love, and even after disqualifying yourself at the final meet your freshman year, you allowed yourself another chance, and turned that 'failure' 'hopelessness' 'uncertainty' and 'doubt' into so much more. With determination and not a care what others thought or made up their minds to- you went out there for preseason sophomore year, determined, and certain of yourself. Uneasy at first, suddenly there was a rhythm and a grove to it. And not only did you end that preseason going under a minute in the 100 free, you actually made it to stateeeeeee that year! And on relays. You went from the person without much direction, turned it into focus and it payed off. For the next three years. So much that you couldn't get enough of it and that love lead you to college. Lead you to your life. Lead you to experience after experience, with people and places, feelings and events that you could never have dreamt of. I mean come on, a month ago you ran outside and were so proud of running 3 miles for the first time! Now you can run 10! Pure determination, heart and relentless refusing to give in or give up. Or anything even close to that!
Sure, you might not have it all, you might not have it all together or have all the things that you could or taken all the opportunities that you could have, but what you have is yourself. Potential to do more. Love for learning! Absolutely a love for adventure and diving in deep. There is no skimming the surface any more.


definitely not meant to be self glorifying. but back in the day i kept a journal, for swimming. i told myself daily that it was possible. the power of self talk helped propel me to the different areas of my life. for so long now i have been overpowered and beat down by what i think i should be doing or what i think others think of me. does that really matter? am i going to be someone who lets that determine my next phase, my next step or the next move in my book- in my game? not one bit. i am me for a reason and will go places that i dream of. that is the excitement. that is the thrill. that is the possibility and potential. maybe i am not ready to think of the rest of my life, but maybe i am ready to reflect on what my life has and is and turn it into something along the lines of what it will and can be. its a beautiful thing. stop trying to make it ugly, steph!

go. be. do.
right?

lets go.

Journal Love

After all, we give so much to our journals, isn't it time they give a little back? With so much going on in life right now, it's a shame and at the same time no wonder that I am constantly in search of motivation, inspiration, aspiration. When in reality it is probably right before my eyes. So often what we are looking for and desire are right there, right there, but we are so caught in going after what is so far that we forget to utilize what is so close. So in the middle of my art attempts at a sketch book, and realizing I hadn't done anything productive for the due day (tomorrow), I decided to start. And like a poorly trained artist I turned on my favorite cd and followed the cords and immersed myself into the feelings the songs created inside of me. But, longing after my own emotions which I have masked over for numerous reasons that shall not be named at this time, I decided to do something that I have been meaning to do for awhile. Pulled out my trusty journal that was given as a gift and has somehow survived almost two years of life. With a broken binding, pages that are faintly the white color they began as and filled with -hundreds of thousands, possibly millions? or words, I began a short random collection of the words my eyes hit first on the pages I turned to. Feeling intrigued myself, I might share it with the cyber world (nearly obvious that no one shall see this) just in case in some day some time in some future, it may become relevant, it is now documented. 

Let us begin...

day one says... story.

strong? courageous. 

gives LIFE + BREATH + ALL ELSE.

just loving. it's amazing to see.

  listen and go.

and create happiness.

so thankful + so blessed.

coming back is always good.

worries of yesterday

become comforts of today.

keep on keepin on.

stories to tell aren't nearly as great as the stories to hear. 

something about today was different...

  lighter heart, smiling was easier... 

play it safe------keep it simple.

ah life, aren't you something....

and for those of you 

who never dared to dream,

    well to you i am sorry.

      for you never saw the sun shine the brightest,

        the wind blow the strongest, or even

    the truth taste the sweetest.

and you may be unaware

that you ever

missed anything...

there is always hope. 

and *hopefully, always room for love. 

Welcome to the future.

Every year there has always been an adjustment period- and I don't mean adjusting to the new year and what it brings, because honestly- how much difference can that one day that separates one day from the other? One year to the next? The end of the decade to the beginning of the next? With so much hope and all of the emotions and feelings that comes with the idea of a 'simple' change of the calendar, what do we make of that? We as Americans like to make promises, like to resolute and enjoy the idea of thinking that what was once impossible, even if only days before, could now be possible. So we put on a smile and face the day with a lighter heart and perhaps a warmer welcome to a stranger, afterall- at this point we have something in common, and it all starts with three words- Happy New Year!
Perhaps something that changes, which I alluded to in the first few words of this post, this time is not one number, it is two. No longer are we in the years of 200- and for those of you who have spent the past 9+ years writing these numbers, strategically placed together, there is an adjustment period. And for some reason, this year I have a feeling that writing 2010 will happen right away for me, or at least sooner than the habit has formed in years past. Why you might ask? I'm not sure.. I guess it is just a feeling.
So whether you decide that you like to say two-thousand-ten, or twenty-ten, I would like to stretch out a warm welcome to the new year! Wherever you may find yourself today, I hope you take a chance to enjoy the company of which surrounds you, the events of the past that have lead you to where you stand (or sit) currently, and of course the joy of the journey for which we can all look forward to. And I will pass along a hope that whatever it is that you decide to do, change, adjust, eliminate, color, so forth and so on, that you decide to follow through, to stick to it and to help others along the way.



Always with hope, always in love,
Steph

Take a deep breath, just breathe.

No day but today, right?
Is it in the times where I feel completely on my own that I (A), feel left out, or (B), I realize the full potential that I may not be meeting? I'm not sure, but somehow my laziness turns into acknowledgement which can open up a deeper understanding and possible revolution. So we take the good with the bad, right? Ok, two sentences in and I'm already over my head.
I guess I've just had a lot of 'me' time lately to think without a whole lot of outlet of my thoughts (ten hours alone in the car just MIGHT do that to ya), but it seems like every avenue our life drives down comes to a stop, a passing, a halt or a completely new doorstep. What do we do? Embrace it? Look past it? Race ahead to the next stop? Where do we decide, and what lay in the making of those decisions? I am racing towards the end of this: the end of this week, the end of this semester, the end of this education and Minnesota itself! Why? Why I ask? Why why why?! Anticipation is mounting, but why not mounting for the next minute, the next day, the next encounter? Why do I have to think about smiling lately? Where is the joy? What have I piled all my marbles into that have left me feeling shorted, left out, unsatisfied and searching?
Yes, I am in over my head. I would like to take this so far semi negative feeling post and put a positive spin on it... I am looking forward to tonight. While it is hard to do sometimes, I am going to go forth with what I want to do: tonight being see a play: regardless of if I have anyone to join me or not. Rocky Horror Picture Show on campus (live play!) and while I know virtually nothing about it, I am a senior and have yet to go to a play on campus! So I will show up as the doors are closing and the play is beginning, in hopes of being discrete, find my place and enjoy it. After all, it is the only night I am not working. And this weekend I have an 'old friend' who I get to see and couldn't be more excited about. The semester is nearly over- and somehow I have survived! I had an amazing weekend at home with people I love, this should be enough!
Monday I met with a man from Kids Against Hunger, which is where I will be doing my internship next semester. I couldn't be more excited! I think I need that in my life: I need to be humbled, brought back to my roots, realize my passions all over and even just wipe away some of the materialistic and other views that I have been picking up on more and so prone to lately. This is going to be a good thing! Besides being such a hands on experience and a great cause that I get to do more than volunteer for and learn from, I will see, witness and just dive into the world of the hungry, both locally and globally with an organization that is ACTIVE and doing and being! How great, how necessary, why wouldn't I be smiling today?
Oh, I am. I will be. I just want the extra bounce in my step back. I want the thrill of a good conversation. I want to be questioned and think on and reflect deeper than I have been lately. I just want something real. Real people. Real relationships. Whether blunt and honest or deep and insightful, I think that is the root of what I do miss and have been missing.
How many turns can this post take? Let me count thee ways... hahaha. And I want more photography.... Where did all the bright shining faces and people and places go? Let me get back to the roots of what once drove me... woke me up in the morning with an eager heart and kept me up late into the night because time was so precious there wasn't a moment to lose. Oh life, bring back my enthusiasm! Oh to myself: stop being lazy and fearful, start taking chances and allow yourself to live again! And love. With open arms and not a care in the world. Free, ready, willing... for anything that is thrown this way.

I guess if you don't jump you'll never know if you can fly

So I think I am going to write a quick blog just to sort of process through some stuff. The past three days (I know it isn't long, but I procrastinate so I put a whole lot of stuff into a really short time frame) I have been running around campus getting all of the documentations, copies and talking to my reference writers working on this JET application- to be an assistant language teacher in Japan. And I know- Japan? If you asked me why, which you might, I'm not sure I would have an answer. But sometimes we stumble upon things for a certain reason that is unclear... and doesn't necessarily make sense until way later when we look back in retrospect. So to you my friends who are questioning 'why Japan?' Well, to you I say, why not?

It seems for awhile I've been looking for a confirmation of the path or road I need to take, the next step and phase in life: but I think it's become clear through that retrospect/introspection idea. like many things in life, the answer was written in my experiences, waiting for me to discover all it has to offer and show me. I have entered things blindly in the past- the reservation and South Africa to name some of the bigger ones, and I think it turned out for the best. Being able to enter a culture, community and even country that is so entirely different from the way that you were raised and being thrown off- set off balance for that time period gives you a chance to readjust. To reorganize and regroup and figure things out. But it does more than that. Taking a chance on something new gives you the opportunity to be unbiased and truly see a people for who they are. Without any other objectives than creating a relationship, mutual learning and finding a common understanding can go a long way. In a time where love is so often overlooked for power, greed, money and lust; finding a place to love across all other factors can be hard... which leads me to my next point.

Not many people know I am applying for this. And for a few different reasons, and to me they are good reasons. One is that I wanted this to be my decision to make. I wanted to decide what I want to do after college: where I want to go and be able to accumulate an array of experience coupled with adventure and excitement that might impact... will definitely impact the next years. So why not? Without anything holding me down or tying me to any one particular state or city, why not fly away with my freedom while I can? Another reason is just my passion? I guess passion for gaining an appreciation or love for another culture. It is hard for some people to understand given the past history why I would want to do this- but it is so simple and so plain to me that there is a need for an awareness that while there may never be the picture perfect pageant answer of 'world peace' there can be individual peace. And that is gained and achieved when we open up ourselves, our lives and our love to strangers and allow ourselves to see people- and them see us... and perhaps, in this moment, in that moment of self realization you realize a little bit about yourself and that other person... that you really aren't all that different. In fact... you might have a lot of similarities and within those similarities and the realization of the differences... we can find a unison. And while this song may not sing out in perfect harmony, it is the beginning of a ballad that can create an everlasting melody to flow to the next generation, and the next and the next. In reality, in risking a little we might be creating a new future and a new hope: for ourselves and those around. Footsteps to follow, and an encouragement to ourselves and others. This could be an old song that has been sung before, but it doesn't matter; it has awakened our soul and felt deep within our heart of hearts. This is our life- one life to live!
And I know that I would not be content- I could not be content sitting and watching, being a passerby in my own life. This is a life that is worth standing up for the injustices, speaking out for the silent and fighting for what lights our hearts. And while we laugh with a light heart at times, and break for the pain of strangers- it is in the greatest moments and the deepest pain when we can most easily unite. So let us unite! Let us see others for who they are and what they are doing and gain a better global appreciation for individuality and beauty.
Ah, to live a life with a smile, recognizing the beauty and the pain and seeing those who are ready and willing to do something... and all of this stemmed from my thought process of this application? No wonder I'm having such a hard time making my mission statement pointed. Well, all is fair in the blog community I suppose. As far as I know, these are empty words shall they never reach the eyes of another reader. But nothing is ever done in vain where there is a purpose, and I believe I have a purpose.
Well, love goes out to you- from the bottom of the CSU where I have this beautiful November sunshine shining down on me from the huge windows..... ah, windows... love. Let us look up in hope and out in adventure!

This is my journey.

" I am what you see, not what they say. But if i turned out to be, could you love me any way?"
-You'll Ask for Me by Tyler Hilton.

In a day like today, everyone wants to be someone. Any why wouldn't we? We are taught from day one to dream big, set high expectations. We are learning from kindergarten through high school how to set goals and reach them, constantly asked what we want to be when we grow up and encouraged to believe in that, then dream bigger dreams and never stop on our own paths to success.


Life has been making me extra giddy lately.
I've been looking at tons of photography online lately and it's been really inspiring. Since I've 'opened myself up' to this whole blogging scene, I have seen so many people who are so passionate about what they have, what they do, where they are talented and truly following after their own hearts, whether its a person who is a vegan sharing her recipes daily, or a person in love and sharing every detail to the planning and day of her wedding, to people who love books or politics or writing or fashion or crafts- whatever it is. I'm not sure if I have one of these things, or lots of tiny things. But lately I've been getting more and more excited about all of these little things and it makes me so excited for the future and what it has in store. I hope to never forget the freeing feeling and just the abundance of life I felt while I was abroad. From the culture and lifestyle that it opened my mind up to, to the people that opened my heart and blossomed relationships I never dreamt possible. I'm not sure if it is just something I have felt semi limited by in my life, but people and their reactions or expectations have always been important to certain aspects... and I have continued to live in a way that surprises people because of the choices I have made...
If I remember right, I really did wake up one morning senior year and say to myself "I want to swim in college" and very similarly, I woke up one day while in college and said "I don't want to swim any more, there is too much else out there" and just like one day I said I wanted to study abroad, and one day South Africa was just on the top of my list. I still have that page, kind of funny when I found it last Thursday.


But why can't we just wake up and decide to follow our heart? It is not a mental awakening, it awakens the soul and rejuvenates passion and heart and a feeling that every person should know and be connected with, not detached from.

So sure, I have a lot to learn. I have tons and tons to learn! But thats the adventure... thats the journey. Embracing the similarities and differences that each and every person we come in contact with, every terrain and stretch of land our feet cross.. to see the beauty and all that this world has to offer.
Ah, exciting isn't it! Maybe that's why I've been so giddy lately. Maybe that can be my own little *staple... to help others see the joy in following after these different possibilities and enjoying each moment, regardless of where we are at and what we are doing.
So where does my joy come from?
...The faces of the people I love, hiding my face behind the camera and forever having those images, conversations, cultures, everything that is heart warming and moving. People in general. I can't even explain this enough. I don't spend enough time embracing these things in my life either, getting too tied down in the monotonous hours of homework or getting caught up in complaining and giving in to merely surviving. I want to do more than that!

Whether you decide to hop, skip or jump- tread lightly on today. Relax, jump into all they day has to offer. See things in a new way. Try not to get caught up in what brings you down. Attempt to brush things off. Fill your days with what you love.





"I like where ever I am. That's my biggest secret."
-Warren Zevon

Lets Rock n Roll

These are a few of my favorite things...


trains (I can see them from where I am sitting at a downtown coffee shop)
coffee (esp organic and fair trade!)
local coffee shops
parks
walks
swinging
bonfires
art
music (diggin the relaxing sultry music playing here)
procrastinating.


Can procrastinating be on this list? Not sure. But I am a pro. Hardest class of my college life, and I am no where near ready for the test! Working in about an hour for 3 hours, then class, then test! Why did I decide last night that One Tree Hill and Gossip Girls was more important than studying for this test? Ah, life. And choices. I need to work on that actually:: making better choices. And what better time than the present, right? Ok, I'll start with my first better decision and get off the computer and study study study.

Side note: I also joined the 20 something bloggers so if you're stopping by, hello! Give me a little break if my blog is pretty bare as of now, I'll work on it!

Always, love.

'It ain't nothin but a breeze' -Jimmy Buffet

It’s been a long time, long enough that I left a country, entered readjustment period (still there) full of transitions and left home to start my senior year of college (Hurrah!) But for the sake of getting my blog on, we’ll pretend like it was just yesterday. To be completely honest, not sure anyone will be reading this. Therefore, I will continue to blog and write for the pure and honest reason that I just enjoy writing. There, you have it folks! That’s the big secret. So buckle up, or jump off if you’re not ready for it. I’m coming back, full of spirit, vigor and excitement for life and living. Flying by the seat of my pants, burning the candle at both ends, so on and so on… just understand that this semester lands me right at the busiest portion of my life in the past two years. And you know me, I’m loving each minute and every moment that a busy schedule has to offer. Just so you have an idea, I’m working two jobs, doing a nonpaid/non credit internship and taking thirteen credits. Need I say more?
Well, whether I need to or not, I’m here already so might as well keep going…

Coming home and adjusting was more of a day to day process, and I could handle that. I don’t think I experienced the overwhelming feeling of missing South Africa or anything, it was more in the smaller moments and the memories. But with so much to look forward to in life, who wants to spend time dwelling in what is not possible? Indeed, therefore I kept practicing putting what I thought I learned pretty well in SA, and that is living day to day and living in the moment.
Catch 22- except I’m graduating in a short eight months so some post graduation planning may be happening, but for today we will stick with the immediate, most exciting happenings.
1. Today I went with the photographer I'm interning with and shot my first wedding! It was amazing. One of the best things I've done lately, and gave me a renewed and empowering feeling, not sure why, just felt as if more things were possible in life. Seeing things in a different/more positive light? All things that are needed. So I came home and sat and looked at camera/photo stuff for a few hours. Also lead me to fixing up this blog, which is exactly what I've been meaning to do! And here we are, right?
2. Tomorrow is my first day on my own at Bdubs! Feels like its been awhile, but that's just because I've had about 4 shifts a week the past two weeks to train. And thank goodness that is over! Tomorrow the Vikings play, which in Minnesota is a pretty big deal, though I must say it doesn't compare to the Husker's sea of red, but hopefully it'll mean good business! I'm working a party and they pretty much have a full staff on for the game. Whew!
3. This is a matter of interest that I suppose I just feel like adding: in my entire three years of college (including the months spent in SA) I can't say I've ever actualy gotten homesick... until coming back to school! Summer days heated up and the nights weren't any different, my appreciation for friends and family must have mounted while I was away for so long and all of it must have been blended up and come out with me wishing I weren't here! Business has always been a distractor for me, and to be honest it is probably saving me right now, and I am thankful! I just can't wait to get a paycheck!
4. Some things I've been addicted to lately... fmylife.com, textsfromlastnight.com, and postsecret.com. So cool! Oh, and Gloriana. Now? Quite possibly job searching, saving for my next camera toys, photography goodness and all that jazz. Boy oh boy, it's already two am! Not much has changed, I still do pretty well of minimal amounts of sleep.
Few others: addicted to nonfiction/autobiographical novels lately. Working at a day care. Haven't drank much coffee lately. Biopsych is going to be the end of me. Goal is still to do at least a triathlon in the spring, but have yet to start training. I love old friends and reminiscing, random run ins and catching up. There is a chance I might still attempt to teach myself guitar. Yeehaw!


Feels good to be back =) Even if it is for nothing more than my own personal satisfaction.
<3 .

Picture Perfect...

There are a few more fun things and exciting events to share. Sunday, after an early church and another watch of High School Musical 3, we took about 20 kids on a hike. The hike was over 2 hours and we went through town, up a road and climbed a hill. The kids did really well! While some were scared of snakes popping out at them, and others were on crutches, they did an awesome job and we all got to enjoy the view from the top. This is a picture of Zimkhita and Nosipiwe at the top, aren't they cute?
This is Zimkhita and Tabisa and I at the park. It was sunny and a beautiful day!
Yesterday we went to the park with almost all of the kids. I must say it was the most successful park visit that I have been on since I have been here: minimal crying, kids got along, didn't wonder off into the fields. The girls absolutely love taking pictures of themselves. They grab my camera and then run off and take six different pictures of the same exact thing: one person just standing there. Not smiling and not close up, but just standing. So today I wanted to teach them a bit about how fun it is to take pictures as a group and all the different poses you could do. Well for twelve, thriteen and fourteen year olds, they got into this. And it was so much fun! We took pictures on stairs, bleachers, old signs, broken down walls, under trees, laying on the ground, etc. but it was so fun! When I got back from the park I went and photoshopped them a bit and I'm going to go to try and print some off for them today or tomorrow.
Two nights ago we had a talent show and I think I mentioned that in the last post? Either way, here are a few of the girls who were singing for the competition. I have some videos too. The talent is amazing!


Yikes, I leave tomorrow night. Running out of time! Mixed feelings, but as always extremely excited to go home! Can't believe it.. as the time gets closer, it seems as if the time slows down and speeds up all at once. See you before you know it!


With love.

This is here, this is now...

Oiy!
Here we are, the last week of being in South Africa. Where to begin? So many things to say and I don't know where to start. Should I tell about my journey, how since my last blog I went back to PE, took a test and finished a project, then 48 hours was back at the Children's home? In reality it wasn't that long that I was gone, but still things had changed. The new fence that the two guys are working on made some good progress, several of the kids had different hair styles and even the foundation was at a different stage. It's a stressful situation here with uncertainty ringing in the air all over and the reality is unavoidable. There are fewer and fewer funds each day and the fear approaching all that there won't be enough to make it through. Yet there is faith that they will be provided for. We have been asked by Dianne and Carol to do fundraising of our own but I am torn about it. Not many people know that I am here and it is hard to explain this situation in an email, to do it justice. I am praying and trusting in the Lord that he provides for these children but also for ideas of ways in which I can help. I know there is always something I have, and that is my pictures, so we will see where we can go with that.

Yesterday we did a Treasure Hunt/Scavenger Hunt where we raced around town with different clues (rhyming clues, mom you'd be proud of me ;]) and took different pictures at each. This is a picture of the kids jumping off the tourist information being monsters. Ha, we split into two teams and unfortunately my team lost, but we all enjoyed pop and some chips as a prize! I was happy the kids got into it.
These are some of the boys. They are stinkin adorable. There are about 9 little guys and 2 younger girls and I love playing with them. They are always getting into mischief (my favorite was the chalk fight on the football (soccer) field that resulted with white chalk covering everyone and everything! Including me! They also like to play superman where the practice jumping off tables and chairs and the porch and I catch them. Sometimes they go one at a time, but it's usually two or three, occassionally four. I'm going to try and hold up five before I leave ;).
One night we had a Braai and made a fire in the braai pit, roasted hot dogs, potatoes and even had salad. It was quite the feast! Afterwards, Marlin (one of the volunteers) had a recipe for baking bread over the fire. We had found bamboo like poles earlier in the day and took some of the bread and wrapped it around the sticks. After 5 or so minutes of holding it over the fire, we had instant bread! It was yummy and provided several hours of entertainment. I'm hoping to use that bread recipe in the future! Since the official Dianne Lang Foundation is closing, last Monday we went to the community center where we took a lot of the clothes the kids didn't need (roughly 12-16 boxes) and we sold the clothes. We wanted to be fair and make good deals, and also wanted to raise money for the organization, but the clothes went for roughly 10-50 cents, some for a dollar (new winter jackets and even blankets we sold for barely over a dollar) but it was quite the experience to be on the other side of the market, selling the items. In this picture you can see some of the ladies who came that were looking through the clothes. They loved trying to make a good deal! This is a shot of some of the little guys in the back of the house in the yard. There isn't necessarily a play ground, but there are these monkey bar type things to climb on as well as an interesting tire swing.

Last night we had a talent show. These kids are great once they get going. Between singing and dancing they were all over the place. The older girls; Kholiwe, Aya and Nomhle wouldn't stop dancing. Then the middle aged girls, Beverly, Joyce, Tabisa and Ntomoboxolo sang these pretty songs. Even Michael and American busted some moves that I hadn't seen them do before! I'm sad that for some reason not all the photos I wanted got transfered to my usb, but hopefully this gives you a tiny picture and glimpse. Hope things are going well for all! Looking forward to seeing you, and sharing more about the past 5 months.

With love always <3.

Embrace the joy of the moment

"The miracle is this:: the more we share, the more we have" --Leonard Nimoy

Sure, time flies, but to watch the landscapes, the atmosphere, the people and the places change so rapidly and so fast... well, it's kind of exhilarating, but also a lot to take in. From a month ago, at the beginning of May to here, the beginning of June, to next month being home in the States at the beginning of July... As always trying to make the most of every moment, staying motivated and energized is essential. I am currently at the Dianne Lang Foundation, volunteering with around 30 children and becoming more aware of the day to day events of this aspect of South Africa. The thing is, the home is in a time of transition and uncertainty. The foundation is not a NPO, it has been ran off of private donations and funds from other people, but now it looks as if the funding is no longer there which leaves a lot of questions and changes in the very near future. There is a wonderful lady who has put in an application to become a Non-profit Organization and is still waiting to be approved by the government, but the outlook seems hopeful. Until then I get to play with kids all day, help paint buildings, maybe assist in building a fence (I guess it's a guy's project? Oh well, we put up 3 last summer =]), and knit scarves for all of the girls here. Can you believe that it gets below freezing in Middelburg? As I sit and type in the office, it's actually a tease that I can see the sun shining out the doors next to me as my hands are icy and my feet cold! But there is no heat here and the kids are always wearing their jackets and wrapped in blankets in the home. They always want to borrow my scarves and sweaters so that's when I decided they needed scarves of their own! And I was pointed in the right direction of a yarn/wool/fabric shop where I got new knitting needles and some wool!

Still, I cannot believe that I am here finally- getting onto the bus I nearly had to pinch myself, and the ride went by fast. It was a double decker bus and I sat on the top and got to reflect a bit about this adventure the past 5 months have had to offer. My first impression of this town and of this experience was that it brought me back to last summer and reminded me of Cass Lake, for a few reasons. Maybe it's because they are the only two small towns I have ever been in for an extended amount of time, but I sort of like the walk everywhere, empty streets, deserted town kind of feel. Or the fact that there is one other girl and two boys, kind of similar to a YW staff? And we play cards at night and share just a tiny space and yada yada, it's fun.

Well internet is expensive and I shouldn't be on for two long... so I will give you some highlights of the past 5 days...
I read bed time stories to kids every night. It was the first time I have done that in a long time, and I love it. And I love that they are interested in reading and I want to do all I can to see that they read more!
The first night I was here we took a walk around the neighborhood at night with the older kids. I got to dance and sing in the street with some of the girls and it was a great way to welcome in the first day of being here.
Some of the girls are singing all the time and one afternoon I was sitting in the girl's bedroom and they asked me to sing (which you are all aware that I am no good), but I did anyway, only after having them sing first. Now it's almost daily. I think I am going to start a 'silly songs with Stephanie' series after the "Go Bananas" song went over like a hit last night =).
These kids are truly kind of like a family, looking out for one another, taking care of eachother, picking on each other, sharing with one another. The older girls looking out for the little boys... the number of smiles here are unbelievable.
One afternoon I got to cuddle with some kids and watch Toy Story 2 (one of my FAVORITES) and then that night I even went to a dance at a church in a township with middleaged people and danced the night away! Entertaining way to spend a Friday.
In the kitchen the older boys like to listen to music, and one night I heard the Titanic song come on, you know the one, so I went in and taught one of the boys,Luke, how to dance. Then I taught him the Fox Trot and Waltz (Dawn, you would be proud!). I think I am going to download music for the Cha Cha Slide and Electric Slide, and maybe a square dance if possible! One of the volunteers said that he could get music off my iPod onto the computer, so then we can get some good ol honkeytonk country music and I can teach them a line dance! If I remember, I hope I remember.
I don't know what it is about being here, or the similarities to a mission trip but it just feels like there are a collection of things in my life that have lead up to and prepared me for this time and this moment and it just brings me such joy. I love spending the mornings in the office and thinking of ideas, it's just that the future of the organization, and more importantly the kids, is still so uncertain. But man, these kids are great.

Greyhound bound...

What a great day! I can’t even explain the feeling that I have right now, pure euphoria? Close enough either way! Amazing seeing as I woke up this morning at 5:30 to finish/start a presentation that I gave at 8:30, okay, 9h00, seeing as it if African time. Surprisingly I actually woke up and even more surprisingly, the presentation went swimmingly! It was on self-esteem and seemed to be a combination of millions of things I have learned in the past, so it rolled off the tongue like a well-known story. My new friends, Natalie, Bonnie and Moji were hard to say goodbye to after spending so much time stressed and worried and always laughing in our youth work classes. Bonnie wants to stay in touch so that she can visit the U.S., Moji has the calm and composure that many well lived 45 year olds would, and Natalie became a good friend in which we could share in daily stresses and always find laughter. She gave me a tour of the Res (dormitories) after class and we walked around, it was lovely! The morning was quite chilly, I even wore long sleeves and a sweatshirt! But by the walk back it was pretty hot. I picked up some last minute presents for the familia and arrived home!
So much to do, so little time::: as always! I cannot believe that in a matter of HOURS I will be in a completely different part of the country and in 24 hours be fully immersed at the Diane Lang Orphanage in Middelburg, South Africa. All this time it has felt as if it were too good to be true, that something was going to happen and the joy and experience would just slip through my fingers, but seeing as the bus tickets are within my reach, I have the cell number of the one who is picking me up and my bags are … ok my bags are not packed, but my list of what to pack is out and ready! I am enjoying one of the most uniquely delicious meals, the last of my milk with the box of Frosted Flakes, which I have been saving for a special occasion that my church sent me in a care package! Yummy!! The only down side to those little boxes is they are single serving and I don’t get to enjoy seconds! Today is going to be my first bus trip ever, and fittingly Miranda Lambert’s song came on my iPod this morning, “I’m on a greyhound bound for nowhere…” Couldn’t help but smile. I’ve heard from a few people that it’s chilly in Middelburg, so I’m glad I was warned so I can pack accordingly. I learned today that there are 2 million orphans in South Africa… wonder how that statistic will come to life over the next few weeks as that name is given a face, a story and names… and that will only be 40-50 children...

Well I'm off! I will update you if I have internet while I'm there, if not, mom and dad I will call you when I arrive, and Jessica I hope you have a safe trip home and a good last few days! Love you three, my trusty readers =)

And I've had that song in my head all day...

I'm in a little bit of a reminiscing mood today... Perhaps it's because today I am going to try and sell my computer so I've been taking off all of my old pictures and putting them on CD's and same with deleting old papers and other random things. Never thought I'd be sad to see my sony go...? Guess it just reminds me of the first few years of college... and all those memories that are irreplaceable. So long ago, but really, not that long ago. Can't believe that when I go home from here I will be entering my last year of college. Seems like so many people are going places and doing things, it is so encouraging! It's kind of cool that at right now I have friends on every continent (unless my friend who was in Australia is home by now), but still, it's so exciting that so many people are going and traveling and seeing and experiencing! It is amazing, and while you want to enjoy each moment of where you are and what you're doing, a part of you (me) can't help but think about the future and weighing the options, after all, I'll be a college graduate a year from now.... (knock on wood).

But I do believe I owe you all a tiny bit of an update, seeing as it has been about two weeks. School is winding down, but as always, that just means more work. I have two final exams out of the way and am looking at two more exams, one big presentation, and one monster project that is kind of scary to think about. In a week I am going to be leaving for almost two weeks to go to a town called Middelburg and volunteer in an orphanage that they have there. Not sure if I have blogged about this yet or not, but I found the organization somehow online and got in contact with them and they said they have room for a volunteer in the beginning of June. The organization is run completely off of private donations, meaning no help from the government/country and they rely heavily on volunteers and can have up to six at a time. I was told to be prepared for a quick orientation upon arrival and then be given a schedule with a 40 hour work week. Now, months ago, I wouldn't think anything of a 40 hour work week, but since I have been here my work habits and my involvement has somehow slacked... seems like I took on the 'African time' and well, easiest way to say it: I became lazy. Now the laziness has brought with it guilt because as a Westerner I have the inner belief that we must work before play and essentially that play and enjoyment to the extent of what my time here has given me should have been worked for or earned, but seeing as though all areas that I attempted to busy myself with fell through... (getting in touch with a photographer, a youth group, a job? etc.) I have become accustomed to a few classes a week, few hours of work, then lots of walking and sunning and beaching and reading, which has been nice, but back to the point... I am very anxious and excited that there is real work on the future! I have a feeling that I will be thankful that I've spent 4 months prior in this environment and the culture and have seen things around South Africa that help with understanding the position at which the people in the Orphanage are in. Not to mention that I will have time to come back and process (nearly ten days after I return from the orphanage I fly home) because I think it will help with all the culture shocking and readjustment, again. All pretty exciting, eh? Encouraging to see things come together. Whoa, my stomach just did kind of a flip on itself when I realized a month from today I am flying out of South Africa... what? A month... mixed feelings.

So over the past few years I have developed this love for cities. And last summer I experienced a different kind of love and appreciation for small towns, in particular a Reservation for me, but needless to say I have grown fond of looking at communities and cultures, and who knows, that might direct me somewhere in the future, or a multitude of other things might... but if I could stay on track for two seconds I might be able to get out that, as in any town, Port Elizabeth is filled with different areas of town and different suburbs alike, and just like any semi-major city, has a down town area (small towns have more of a 'main street' down town type of feel, even Mankato). I live in Summerstrand (you might know this if you wrote me letters) and it is close to the university and also the ocean. It is kind of seen as a more upscale, compared to other areas. We volunteer in Walmer, in particular the Walmer Township, the mall is in Greenacres, There is another area called Humewood, you get the point. But there is also a downtown part too, known as Central. Upon arrival we heard different stories, sure you can go; but go in a big group, or only go during the day, typical warnings to tourists. But am I considered a tourist if I have lived here for four months? We go to school for four-five month periods in different cities, often times different states, sure it might be a different area code or region of the states, but it is your home, and you wouldn't question that. So, Port Elizabeth has become my home. I know where to get the freshest produce, the best bread, even the cutest shoes and definitely the best dresses at the mall. I know my way around through transportation systems or driving on the roads. So I think essentially it is kind of silly that we were so scared or timid to go into Central, not to be naive, we are young women and are aware of our surroundings... Everyone talked about how it was dangerous, but as soon as I got there, all I could think about was how beautiful it was.. I loved it.

Now, it wasn't a booming downtown Metropolis by any eans, but it held a unique beauty that was captivating all on it's own. There was a misty glow radiating from the faces and the shops, one that only an outsider like myself would see and appreciate- because that's the type of community my heart looks for and wishes to see. Sure, construction in the streets was loud, the congestion on the streets were tight and it wasn't picturesque by any means, but it held it's own kind of mystery. Friends were uniting all around and making deals at small stands selling cheap knock offs and small candies. Walking around we definitely stood out, but it was then that I came to a fun realization: I am not a tourist. No, right now I live here.. not quite a local, but a regular. Somewhere along the way I've slowly 'learned the ropes' or the 'lay of the land,' and the thought was empowering. I thought to myself: I can handle this. And I couldn't help to think I can't wait to do this again... in another community, another place and location, possibly another country. Why travel to just be a tourist when you can live to become a regular? Don't get me wrong, I'm not so naive to thinkthat I can walk into anywhere and pitch a tent, set up camp and label it home... but the past three years of my life I have had 2 to 3 to 4 to 5 month homes... in a sense this is the longest I have lived in the same place since high school, because I have been here longer than both fall and spring semesters by the time I leave... Now we may be more confused, or is it more clarity... because it's all so simple? Ah, simple, beautiful, peaceful... Mind boggling eh?

As always, I wrote too long. Still want to leave you with another thought...

I have even found through the past year an a half of my life that if I tell people what my goals are, they can help hold me accountable and make sure that it happens (and I would love to do the same for you, just throw me a list and I'll call ya every day =]) So here is a random list of things I've been thinking of that I cannot wait to do when I get home...
I want to...
1. Retake up scrapbooking when I come home.
2. Make my own curtains for my bedroom in my apartment (and might need an aunts help in the process).
3. Make my own dress and a purse (at least one of each).
4. Read a book a week.
5. Take a picture a day
6. Write more letters
7. Find an internship in the spring (Urban Studies..?)

Sometimes we rock and sometimes we roll

I just wanted to dance on the beach for you =)


So I kind of took today as a personal day so to speak. I just sort of walked around, without an agenda, heading wherever I felt lead. It was nice, relaxing, and in a way inspirational. I felt lighter hearted and more joy than I have in awhile. It was like flowers that had been beautiful before were multiplied and everywhere I looked I could just soak in the sun, feel the warmth and breathe in beauty coming from all directions.
My journey lead me to the ocean, of course, a place that is beautiful in any place, any climate, and wonderous any time of day. It is only right that as I'm writing this blog My Wish (Rascal Flatts) is playing in the background. Ah, may all your dreams stay big...

In all reality, living in a place that is surrounded by natural beauty, such as this, it's amazing I could ever go a day without that feeling.

Now this is a stretch... but in some way, I don't think I would have come to South Africa if I hadn't been in Cass Lake this past summer. Now there are numerous of other places I was looking at, and going to Africa didn't seriously cross my mind until a certain conversation (Preeti), but regardless, the more I think about it the more I believe it's true. I could just say it gave me confidence, but really I believe it gave me new eyes. It made me a bit more aware of my surroundings. And even if it is my desire to always be happy go lucky, always see the bright side and just focus on the positives, my summer made me aware of conflict and tension and that there is a division and people don't always see things in the same light that you do. You see the looks people give one another... you see who is on what side of the street. You cant help but notice who goes to what cook out, what church and who goes where. You hear it in the tone- and right or wrong no longer becomes the question, but the tables are turned and the weight is on the response. Intense, but so real. It becomes aware which side is more welcoming, in our case which side of the school likes you more than the other, but still that doesn't stop you from showing and expressing the same love and same care across the board.
....Some how, I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be..



This is Odwa and I dancing at Learn for Life. Since it was Cinco de Mayo, we thought it would be the perfect chance to introduce some spanish, some chips and dip, and of course Salsa dancing. Shocker:: they actually LOVED dancing! It was a really fun night.

Right now I am organizing my photos from my old computer.. I'm just worried that I didn't do my back up hard drive right and I'm worried I might lose some. I'm not sure where my addiction to pictures comes from, but I just can't help it. I love it. I absolutely ridiculously love pictres. Many and all forms. Of people and of places. Ones that spell everything out, are captivationg, tell a story.. all the way to those that creat feelings inside you didn't know you had, or forgot you had. From walking down the street and snapping a shot to going to an exhibit or opening a book. From huge billboards to old photo albums.. the stories and the memories are countless, timeless, endless. Can be more powerfuland cause more change than anyone could imagine.


I think this is the photo from our hike that I wanted to print last time, but for some reason it didn't work.

I think I've used up all my words for today.
Peace and Love!