Venting 101. Proceed with caution.

I feel the need to blog and process and vent and then probably delete. What have I done to myself over the past few weeks, where did this come from? Who is this person that stares at me through the mirror? What is going on? Priorities, out the window... Stress is off the charts. And all is coming from within. In psychology we have a term for this; it's called self handicapping. It is most noticable in athletic and testing situations. People will purposefully set themselves up for failure. Ridiculous, right? Who would do such a thing! But the truth is we do it all the time. We chose to watch a show instead of study that extra hour, get less sleep than we should have or spend more time on things that are less valuable (facebook and other social media) than put our effort into the things that matter. Why? So that when we fail (not always fail, but that is what you are setting yourself up for) you will have an excuse. It's comfort. It helps you sleep at night knowing that you did 'what you could' but could have done better, just maybe, if you had chosen the other road, the wiser decision in it all.
So here I stand, or more-so sit. In the same chair I've been for the past four hours. Four hours in the same chair?! Yes. So I should have a lot done and a lot to show, but instead I don't. And I recognize this in me. Now because there is so much to do tomorrow I will not have as much time to spend at my internship, I might feel the need to skip class to make up for what was not done now and I just might have to give up my shift at work, which are all very important and crucial right now, to make up for what should be getting done now.
But I need to process.
I need to allow myself to take in what I am doing right now.
And get it off my chest, even just for this temporary moment.
I am creating this image of myself that does not match up with the same person that I have been for the past 22 years of my life, or more relevantly, 6 or so years of my life. I have not worked for the past four years, not necessarily to build my resume, but to build experience and life and understanding to throw it away. I might not always believe it, but I need to realize for myself and my own safety and future that I am better than that. I have found something that I have dreamt of doing, and spent FOUR YEARS PLUS preparing for! And I am going to throw it away because of stress? Who is putting this stress on me? Sure my parents want me to find a job and people would like to see me succeed, but it is me, consumed by my own selfish thoughts and doubt that is doing this. I am causing all of this! The doubt, the questions, the uncertainty and all of this boils down to my lack of confidence in myself and own abilities. Truth? The Lord has blessed me with this beautiful path of life that I am normally very grateful for. Through thick and thin, the early mornings and late nights, the trials and joys-- all of it has lead me to this point. And what do I do? Turn my back from the course and attempt to erase, to scribble in new lines, attempting to go back and rework the art that has been completed and solid for a long time.
What now?
Stop wallowing. Stop questioning. Give up the doubt! Here you are and here you stand: two feet on solid ground. Not a quitter and not this person. I don't need the affirmation from others that I am headed in the 'right' direction, I don't need others to see or know what I am going through each moment and minute. I have been independent for so long, what is the point of suddenly giving into my feelings of need for those things that have always been unnecessary in the past? Yes, there is uncertainty and a lot up in the air for the future, but there is also joy and hope and experience to be gained and ENJOY. From the inside out I have wanted and strove for this most of my days... and here I am at the brink of embracing the joy and excitement of change and a new, greater challenge, and I want to turn and run? I want to bury my head in the sand? I want to give up?
Hold on-- give up?
No. No no no. Haha, Steph- you are going to give yourself some credit here. Your power, determination and unstoppableness throughout life has been what makes you stand out, and makes you you! Lets put it in physical terms so that you can understand and realize the potential from within that you have had and experienced in other things, and channel those thoughts of confidence and drive into your LIFE::: swimming. Freshman year (high school). Ages ago! Yet so clear. I got lapped in warm ups! I was so scared of being so bad I did the self handicapping thing and did anything I could to get OUT of having to go to practice pre season! You were by no means great your freshman year, but a piece of you fell in love, because yes Stephanie, you are capable of love, and even after disqualifying yourself at the final meet your freshman year, you allowed yourself another chance, and turned that 'failure' 'hopelessness' 'uncertainty' and 'doubt' into so much more. With determination and not a care what others thought or made up their minds to- you went out there for preseason sophomore year, determined, and certain of yourself. Uneasy at first, suddenly there was a rhythm and a grove to it. And not only did you end that preseason going under a minute in the 100 free, you actually made it to stateeeeeee that year! And on relays. You went from the person without much direction, turned it into focus and it payed off. For the next three years. So much that you couldn't get enough of it and that love lead you to college. Lead you to your life. Lead you to experience after experience, with people and places, feelings and events that you could never have dreamt of. I mean come on, a month ago you ran outside and were so proud of running 3 miles for the first time! Now you can run 10! Pure determination, heart and relentless refusing to give in or give up. Or anything even close to that!
Sure, you might not have it all, you might not have it all together or have all the things that you could or taken all the opportunities that you could have, but what you have is yourself. Potential to do more. Love for learning! Absolutely a love for adventure and diving in deep. There is no skimming the surface any more.


definitely not meant to be self glorifying. but back in the day i kept a journal, for swimming. i told myself daily that it was possible. the power of self talk helped propel me to the different areas of my life. for so long now i have been overpowered and beat down by what i think i should be doing or what i think others think of me. does that really matter? am i going to be someone who lets that determine my next phase, my next step or the next move in my book- in my game? not one bit. i am me for a reason and will go places that i dream of. that is the excitement. that is the thrill. that is the possibility and potential. maybe i am not ready to think of the rest of my life, but maybe i am ready to reflect on what my life has and is and turn it into something along the lines of what it will and can be. its a beautiful thing. stop trying to make it ugly, steph!

go. be. do.
right?

lets go.