Journal Love

After all, we give so much to our journals, isn't it time they give a little back? With so much going on in life right now, it's a shame and at the same time no wonder that I am constantly in search of motivation, inspiration, aspiration. When in reality it is probably right before my eyes. So often what we are looking for and desire are right there, right there, but we are so caught in going after what is so far that we forget to utilize what is so close. So in the middle of my art attempts at a sketch book, and realizing I hadn't done anything productive for the due day (tomorrow), I decided to start. And like a poorly trained artist I turned on my favorite cd and followed the cords and immersed myself into the feelings the songs created inside of me. But, longing after my own emotions which I have masked over for numerous reasons that shall not be named at this time, I decided to do something that I have been meaning to do for awhile. Pulled out my trusty journal that was given as a gift and has somehow survived almost two years of life. With a broken binding, pages that are faintly the white color they began as and filled with -hundreds of thousands, possibly millions? or words, I began a short random collection of the words my eyes hit first on the pages I turned to. Feeling intrigued myself, I might share it with the cyber world (nearly obvious that no one shall see this) just in case in some day some time in some future, it may become relevant, it is now documented. 

Let us begin...

day one says... story.

strong? courageous. 

gives LIFE + BREATH + ALL ELSE.

just loving. it's amazing to see.

  listen and go.

and create happiness.

so thankful + so blessed.

coming back is always good.

worries of yesterday

become comforts of today.

keep on keepin on.

stories to tell aren't nearly as great as the stories to hear. 

something about today was different...

  lighter heart, smiling was easier... 

play it safe------keep it simple.

ah life, aren't you something....

and for those of you 

who never dared to dream,

    well to you i am sorry.

      for you never saw the sun shine the brightest,

        the wind blow the strongest, or even

    the truth taste the sweetest.

and you may be unaware

that you ever

missed anything...

there is always hope. 

and *hopefully, always room for love. 

Welcome to the future.

Every year there has always been an adjustment period- and I don't mean adjusting to the new year and what it brings, because honestly- how much difference can that one day that separates one day from the other? One year to the next? The end of the decade to the beginning of the next? With so much hope and all of the emotions and feelings that comes with the idea of a 'simple' change of the calendar, what do we make of that? We as Americans like to make promises, like to resolute and enjoy the idea of thinking that what was once impossible, even if only days before, could now be possible. So we put on a smile and face the day with a lighter heart and perhaps a warmer welcome to a stranger, afterall- at this point we have something in common, and it all starts with three words- Happy New Year!
Perhaps something that changes, which I alluded to in the first few words of this post, this time is not one number, it is two. No longer are we in the years of 200- and for those of you who have spent the past 9+ years writing these numbers, strategically placed together, there is an adjustment period. And for some reason, this year I have a feeling that writing 2010 will happen right away for me, or at least sooner than the habit has formed in years past. Why you might ask? I'm not sure.. I guess it is just a feeling.
So whether you decide that you like to say two-thousand-ten, or twenty-ten, I would like to stretch out a warm welcome to the new year! Wherever you may find yourself today, I hope you take a chance to enjoy the company of which surrounds you, the events of the past that have lead you to where you stand (or sit) currently, and of course the joy of the journey for which we can all look forward to. And I will pass along a hope that whatever it is that you decide to do, change, adjust, eliminate, color, so forth and so on, that you decide to follow through, to stick to it and to help others along the way.



Always with hope, always in love,
Steph

Take a deep breath, just breathe.

No day but today, right?
Is it in the times where I feel completely on my own that I (A), feel left out, or (B), I realize the full potential that I may not be meeting? I'm not sure, but somehow my laziness turns into acknowledgement which can open up a deeper understanding and possible revolution. So we take the good with the bad, right? Ok, two sentences in and I'm already over my head.
I guess I've just had a lot of 'me' time lately to think without a whole lot of outlet of my thoughts (ten hours alone in the car just MIGHT do that to ya), but it seems like every avenue our life drives down comes to a stop, a passing, a halt or a completely new doorstep. What do we do? Embrace it? Look past it? Race ahead to the next stop? Where do we decide, and what lay in the making of those decisions? I am racing towards the end of this: the end of this week, the end of this semester, the end of this education and Minnesota itself! Why? Why I ask? Why why why?! Anticipation is mounting, but why not mounting for the next minute, the next day, the next encounter? Why do I have to think about smiling lately? Where is the joy? What have I piled all my marbles into that have left me feeling shorted, left out, unsatisfied and searching?
Yes, I am in over my head. I would like to take this so far semi negative feeling post and put a positive spin on it... I am looking forward to tonight. While it is hard to do sometimes, I am going to go forth with what I want to do: tonight being see a play: regardless of if I have anyone to join me or not. Rocky Horror Picture Show on campus (live play!) and while I know virtually nothing about it, I am a senior and have yet to go to a play on campus! So I will show up as the doors are closing and the play is beginning, in hopes of being discrete, find my place and enjoy it. After all, it is the only night I am not working. And this weekend I have an 'old friend' who I get to see and couldn't be more excited about. The semester is nearly over- and somehow I have survived! I had an amazing weekend at home with people I love, this should be enough!
Monday I met with a man from Kids Against Hunger, which is where I will be doing my internship next semester. I couldn't be more excited! I think I need that in my life: I need to be humbled, brought back to my roots, realize my passions all over and even just wipe away some of the materialistic and other views that I have been picking up on more and so prone to lately. This is going to be a good thing! Besides being such a hands on experience and a great cause that I get to do more than volunteer for and learn from, I will see, witness and just dive into the world of the hungry, both locally and globally with an organization that is ACTIVE and doing and being! How great, how necessary, why wouldn't I be smiling today?
Oh, I am. I will be. I just want the extra bounce in my step back. I want the thrill of a good conversation. I want to be questioned and think on and reflect deeper than I have been lately. I just want something real. Real people. Real relationships. Whether blunt and honest or deep and insightful, I think that is the root of what I do miss and have been missing.
How many turns can this post take? Let me count thee ways... hahaha. And I want more photography.... Where did all the bright shining faces and people and places go? Let me get back to the roots of what once drove me... woke me up in the morning with an eager heart and kept me up late into the night because time was so precious there wasn't a moment to lose. Oh life, bring back my enthusiasm! Oh to myself: stop being lazy and fearful, start taking chances and allow yourself to live again! And love. With open arms and not a care in the world. Free, ready, willing... for anything that is thrown this way.

I guess if you don't jump you'll never know if you can fly

So I think I am going to write a quick blog just to sort of process through some stuff. The past three days (I know it isn't long, but I procrastinate so I put a whole lot of stuff into a really short time frame) I have been running around campus getting all of the documentations, copies and talking to my reference writers working on this JET application- to be an assistant language teacher in Japan. And I know- Japan? If you asked me why, which you might, I'm not sure I would have an answer. But sometimes we stumble upon things for a certain reason that is unclear... and doesn't necessarily make sense until way later when we look back in retrospect. So to you my friends who are questioning 'why Japan?' Well, to you I say, why not?

It seems for awhile I've been looking for a confirmation of the path or road I need to take, the next step and phase in life: but I think it's become clear through that retrospect/introspection idea. like many things in life, the answer was written in my experiences, waiting for me to discover all it has to offer and show me. I have entered things blindly in the past- the reservation and South Africa to name some of the bigger ones, and I think it turned out for the best. Being able to enter a culture, community and even country that is so entirely different from the way that you were raised and being thrown off- set off balance for that time period gives you a chance to readjust. To reorganize and regroup and figure things out. But it does more than that. Taking a chance on something new gives you the opportunity to be unbiased and truly see a people for who they are. Without any other objectives than creating a relationship, mutual learning and finding a common understanding can go a long way. In a time where love is so often overlooked for power, greed, money and lust; finding a place to love across all other factors can be hard... which leads me to my next point.

Not many people know I am applying for this. And for a few different reasons, and to me they are good reasons. One is that I wanted this to be my decision to make. I wanted to decide what I want to do after college: where I want to go and be able to accumulate an array of experience coupled with adventure and excitement that might impact... will definitely impact the next years. So why not? Without anything holding me down or tying me to any one particular state or city, why not fly away with my freedom while I can? Another reason is just my passion? I guess passion for gaining an appreciation or love for another culture. It is hard for some people to understand given the past history why I would want to do this- but it is so simple and so plain to me that there is a need for an awareness that while there may never be the picture perfect pageant answer of 'world peace' there can be individual peace. And that is gained and achieved when we open up ourselves, our lives and our love to strangers and allow ourselves to see people- and them see us... and perhaps, in this moment, in that moment of self realization you realize a little bit about yourself and that other person... that you really aren't all that different. In fact... you might have a lot of similarities and within those similarities and the realization of the differences... we can find a unison. And while this song may not sing out in perfect harmony, it is the beginning of a ballad that can create an everlasting melody to flow to the next generation, and the next and the next. In reality, in risking a little we might be creating a new future and a new hope: for ourselves and those around. Footsteps to follow, and an encouragement to ourselves and others. This could be an old song that has been sung before, but it doesn't matter; it has awakened our soul and felt deep within our heart of hearts. This is our life- one life to live!
And I know that I would not be content- I could not be content sitting and watching, being a passerby in my own life. This is a life that is worth standing up for the injustices, speaking out for the silent and fighting for what lights our hearts. And while we laugh with a light heart at times, and break for the pain of strangers- it is in the greatest moments and the deepest pain when we can most easily unite. So let us unite! Let us see others for who they are and what they are doing and gain a better global appreciation for individuality and beauty.
Ah, to live a life with a smile, recognizing the beauty and the pain and seeing those who are ready and willing to do something... and all of this stemmed from my thought process of this application? No wonder I'm having such a hard time making my mission statement pointed. Well, all is fair in the blog community I suppose. As far as I know, these are empty words shall they never reach the eyes of another reader. But nothing is ever done in vain where there is a purpose, and I believe I have a purpose.
Well, love goes out to you- from the bottom of the CSU where I have this beautiful November sunshine shining down on me from the huge windows..... ah, windows... love. Let us look up in hope and out in adventure!

This is my journey.

" I am what you see, not what they say. But if i turned out to be, could you love me any way?"
-You'll Ask for Me by Tyler Hilton.

In a day like today, everyone wants to be someone. Any why wouldn't we? We are taught from day one to dream big, set high expectations. We are learning from kindergarten through high school how to set goals and reach them, constantly asked what we want to be when we grow up and encouraged to believe in that, then dream bigger dreams and never stop on our own paths to success.


Life has been making me extra giddy lately.
I've been looking at tons of photography online lately and it's been really inspiring. Since I've 'opened myself up' to this whole blogging scene, I have seen so many people who are so passionate about what they have, what they do, where they are talented and truly following after their own hearts, whether its a person who is a vegan sharing her recipes daily, or a person in love and sharing every detail to the planning and day of her wedding, to people who love books or politics or writing or fashion or crafts- whatever it is. I'm not sure if I have one of these things, or lots of tiny things. But lately I've been getting more and more excited about all of these little things and it makes me so excited for the future and what it has in store. I hope to never forget the freeing feeling and just the abundance of life I felt while I was abroad. From the culture and lifestyle that it opened my mind up to, to the people that opened my heart and blossomed relationships I never dreamt possible. I'm not sure if it is just something I have felt semi limited by in my life, but people and their reactions or expectations have always been important to certain aspects... and I have continued to live in a way that surprises people because of the choices I have made...
If I remember right, I really did wake up one morning senior year and say to myself "I want to swim in college" and very similarly, I woke up one day while in college and said "I don't want to swim any more, there is too much else out there" and just like one day I said I wanted to study abroad, and one day South Africa was just on the top of my list. I still have that page, kind of funny when I found it last Thursday.


But why can't we just wake up and decide to follow our heart? It is not a mental awakening, it awakens the soul and rejuvenates passion and heart and a feeling that every person should know and be connected with, not detached from.

So sure, I have a lot to learn. I have tons and tons to learn! But thats the adventure... thats the journey. Embracing the similarities and differences that each and every person we come in contact with, every terrain and stretch of land our feet cross.. to see the beauty and all that this world has to offer.
Ah, exciting isn't it! Maybe that's why I've been so giddy lately. Maybe that can be my own little *staple... to help others see the joy in following after these different possibilities and enjoying each moment, regardless of where we are at and what we are doing.
So where does my joy come from?
...The faces of the people I love, hiding my face behind the camera and forever having those images, conversations, cultures, everything that is heart warming and moving. People in general. I can't even explain this enough. I don't spend enough time embracing these things in my life either, getting too tied down in the monotonous hours of homework or getting caught up in complaining and giving in to merely surviving. I want to do more than that!

Whether you decide to hop, skip or jump- tread lightly on today. Relax, jump into all they day has to offer. See things in a new way. Try not to get caught up in what brings you down. Attempt to brush things off. Fill your days with what you love.





"I like where ever I am. That's my biggest secret."
-Warren Zevon

Lets Rock n Roll

These are a few of my favorite things...


trains (I can see them from where I am sitting at a downtown coffee shop)
coffee (esp organic and fair trade!)
local coffee shops
parks
walks
swinging
bonfires
art
music (diggin the relaxing sultry music playing here)
procrastinating.


Can procrastinating be on this list? Not sure. But I am a pro. Hardest class of my college life, and I am no where near ready for the test! Working in about an hour for 3 hours, then class, then test! Why did I decide last night that One Tree Hill and Gossip Girls was more important than studying for this test? Ah, life. And choices. I need to work on that actually:: making better choices. And what better time than the present, right? Ok, I'll start with my first better decision and get off the computer and study study study.

Side note: I also joined the 20 something bloggers so if you're stopping by, hello! Give me a little break if my blog is pretty bare as of now, I'll work on it!

Always, love.

'It ain't nothin but a breeze' -Jimmy Buffet

It’s been a long time, long enough that I left a country, entered readjustment period (still there) full of transitions and left home to start my senior year of college (Hurrah!) But for the sake of getting my blog on, we’ll pretend like it was just yesterday. To be completely honest, not sure anyone will be reading this. Therefore, I will continue to blog and write for the pure and honest reason that I just enjoy writing. There, you have it folks! That’s the big secret. So buckle up, or jump off if you’re not ready for it. I’m coming back, full of spirit, vigor and excitement for life and living. Flying by the seat of my pants, burning the candle at both ends, so on and so on… just understand that this semester lands me right at the busiest portion of my life in the past two years. And you know me, I’m loving each minute and every moment that a busy schedule has to offer. Just so you have an idea, I’m working two jobs, doing a nonpaid/non credit internship and taking thirteen credits. Need I say more?
Well, whether I need to or not, I’m here already so might as well keep going…

Coming home and adjusting was more of a day to day process, and I could handle that. I don’t think I experienced the overwhelming feeling of missing South Africa or anything, it was more in the smaller moments and the memories. But with so much to look forward to in life, who wants to spend time dwelling in what is not possible? Indeed, therefore I kept practicing putting what I thought I learned pretty well in SA, and that is living day to day and living in the moment.
Catch 22- except I’m graduating in a short eight months so some post graduation planning may be happening, but for today we will stick with the immediate, most exciting happenings.
1. Today I went with the photographer I'm interning with and shot my first wedding! It was amazing. One of the best things I've done lately, and gave me a renewed and empowering feeling, not sure why, just felt as if more things were possible in life. Seeing things in a different/more positive light? All things that are needed. So I came home and sat and looked at camera/photo stuff for a few hours. Also lead me to fixing up this blog, which is exactly what I've been meaning to do! And here we are, right?
2. Tomorrow is my first day on my own at Bdubs! Feels like its been awhile, but that's just because I've had about 4 shifts a week the past two weeks to train. And thank goodness that is over! Tomorrow the Vikings play, which in Minnesota is a pretty big deal, though I must say it doesn't compare to the Husker's sea of red, but hopefully it'll mean good business! I'm working a party and they pretty much have a full staff on for the game. Whew!
3. This is a matter of interest that I suppose I just feel like adding: in my entire three years of college (including the months spent in SA) I can't say I've ever actualy gotten homesick... until coming back to school! Summer days heated up and the nights weren't any different, my appreciation for friends and family must have mounted while I was away for so long and all of it must have been blended up and come out with me wishing I weren't here! Business has always been a distractor for me, and to be honest it is probably saving me right now, and I am thankful! I just can't wait to get a paycheck!
4. Some things I've been addicted to lately... fmylife.com, textsfromlastnight.com, and postsecret.com. So cool! Oh, and Gloriana. Now? Quite possibly job searching, saving for my next camera toys, photography goodness and all that jazz. Boy oh boy, it's already two am! Not much has changed, I still do pretty well of minimal amounts of sleep.
Few others: addicted to nonfiction/autobiographical novels lately. Working at a day care. Haven't drank much coffee lately. Biopsych is going to be the end of me. Goal is still to do at least a triathlon in the spring, but have yet to start training. I love old friends and reminiscing, random run ins and catching up. There is a chance I might still attempt to teach myself guitar. Yeehaw!


Feels good to be back =) Even if it is for nothing more than my own personal satisfaction.
<3 .