Here we go!

I don't even want to look and see when the last time I blogged was, or what it said. I'm sure I was rambling about this or that and trying to decide what to do with my future. Guess some things never change, because I am currently in that position again. I don't think my life stems from lack of commitment, I think it comes from endless curiosity and the ability to be mobile... to get up and move again after I've stayed a little bit somewhere. Kind of a rambling heart, gypsy soul... or just born a vagabond, for now at least. Not complaining, I love the life of adventure and all that comes with it. It only feels right that I would start blogging again as I am near the middle of my time with AmeriCorps (I can try to update this part later). I am working two jobs- one with AC and one as a server at a new restaurant in downtown Denver. I go from social worker who helps kids fill out forms for food stamps, free housing vouchers and assistance to serving $100+ checks to a couple of two out for happy hour on a Friday night all within an hour of each other. Such is my life though, I believe. I think I have finally hit the point of comfort when I am able to go after things and do them because it is what I want to do. This year was perfect.. I have learned so much about the social work field and grown in so many ways from it- both positive and negative sides. I will be out of debt as a student, and as far as I'm concerned, free to ramble and continue on my journey. So, if it hasn't been too long, and you can stand it- bear with me as I endeavor on my next quest. This one, starting with learning spanish =) These next few months will be dedicated to: well, learning spanish. Also running more (half or full marathon in the future?), creating my crafts to sell at farmers markets this summer, reading more and much much less drinking (not that it was a problem- just to save money and help with the getting in shape process!). So, once again, here we go!

Takin' steps.

This feeling that I have right now, this overcome emotion and love and desire gives my heart the peace and comfort (I don't know if I needed) but is so reassuring that I am doing the right thing next year. I am so ready to get started with this next part of my life beginning! Feeling more alive by the minute, I am so thankful and grateful. I am ready to pour my heart out and love these people, these youth, with everything I have. In a way I'm ready to move and unpack my life in a way that I don't think I ever have before. While I've moved before and lived with different people, I am taking the first step into my professional career and life. With that will come trials and errors, there are sure to be hardships and it won't always be as fun and glamorous as it can sound when explaining it to people.. but somehow I feel like I am ready. While this will be a great new responsibility for me, it is also the most relationship oriented job that I have ever worked in... and that is a lot to take in. I think I need to be honest and real with myself in these next weeks and months as they unfold. Work on diving deeper and listening harder, seeing between the lines and truly finding out who people are. Not that I need to necessarily 'work on it,' but instant love and unconditional love. I've felt my life be ripped away from my hands and scrambled to pick it up, yet I have never felt the pain and devastation that these teens have faced in such a short time. With love and laughter, honesty and truth, this is an entirely new adventure, one that I need to be honest in how hard it will be at times.

City Adventures

Part of the reason I love going a new place or getting a new job is that they just know you, for who you are and present to them. In the simplest terms, to them, right now, I am a ginger. A red head. They never saw the natural hair color of strawberry blonde or the bleached out summer blonde I rocked this time last year. And in more real terms, the true friends are the ones who don't have to question, doubt or wonder who you are. So maybe right now I decide that I like the deep auburn color of my hair and in a few years it will be different: no big, right? In the same sense, people who meet you along the way will know you with the information that you present them with.

Not sure if this makes sense. I told my mom today on the phone that I need to move to Denver because I need to find friends who will go to the farmer's market with. While that is exaggerated and dramatic, it is also somewhat true. My friends have a special place in my heart for certain reasons, but at the same time I am missing a few different things. I want someone to be adventurous in the city with! And I feel like I barley know or appreciate Omaha for what it has to offer. Today I checked two things off my list that I have been waiting to do: 1- farmer's market! and 2- the 13th street coffee shop! I plan on driving down to that coffee shop at least once a week, even if it is just to find out the latest fun happenings in Omaha. I saw a poster and absolutely loved what a United Methodist Church was advertising and now that is next to do on my to do list! In the same way that IV caught my eye at school: good graphics and social justice.


"You'll find that life is still worthwhile if you just smile"
-Smile, Charlie Chaplan

One Day You Will

So I started running again! With a few breaks for water/lunch and brief walks Amy and I reached 7 miles today! Although it is 3:30 am, I have plans to wake up tomorrow and get the day started (before the rain!) with hopefully another nice long run.

So I don't know what it is about coming and going... but I tend to be good at it. Wonder if there is some underlying commitment issues involved here?
Lady A always gets me... and a few particular lines of an older not well known song keeps coming to mind, thought I'd share...

Down the road the sun is shining.
Every cloud there is a silver lining.
Just keep holding on.
Every heartache makes you stronger
It won't be much longer.
You'll find love,
you'll find peace,
and the YOU you're meant to be.
Know right now that's not the way you feel...
But one day you will.

So true. So, so true. And I want to believe I am on my way. Somehow. Not sure where it will be or how it will turn up, but I do believe that eventually I will wake up and where I am is where I will want to be. Maybe I will go to grad school. Maybe I'll become a licensed counselor. Maybe I'll travel. Maybe I'll write. Maybe I'll surprise myself with some decisions. The best things will always travel with me, maybe that is why I have always been so obsessed with pictures.. so that my friends & family can always be held close with me.

So the rest of this week... more running, more writing, more positivity. More people, more looking into future options. Find a sewing machine, read more, clean up and make room. As always, more love, more patience and more hope. Always, hope.



Find the strength to rise above... you will, find just what you're made of.

Re-Evaluate.

We'll keep this short and sweet since it's been so long, I'd much rather ease back into things... but today is July 1st, which means half way through the year 2010! Now, I got up and ran this morning before realizing this, but I am hoping it is a good sign of what is to come the second half of the year (not that I'm complaining about the first half!)

It is time to re-evaluate and follow up as well as check on some of my new year's resolution. Now if I were say, an organized person, I'd have this written out in a place that is easy to find. And while I'm sure it is written out, I am also aware that through the moving and my less of an organized more of a mess home currently, that finding this might be impossible at such time. We'll just leave it at one key thought that I feel today: lighter. Things are brighter. More hopeful. Lemon water tastes better, fresh air sweeter and things are on the up and up. Today shall be a good day.


Picture of the day: stretching beneath the shade of three amazingly large trees in my front yard.



Till next time! [Tomorrow!]

Everyone deserves the chance to fly.

I'm through accepting limits, cause someone says they're so. Some things I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know!!


It's been a ride. It's gone up, and it's gone down. It's twisted and it's turned. Some passengers decided to get off, while others were up for the challenge and the thrill. But the rides can only last for so long. Well, one ride can. But you can hop on another. And run to the next. Then for fun, you can go back to the one before. See, the exciting part about that one ride is that you know you love it, but there is no realizing you love it until after it is over and you are safe on the side. See, there is this moment... as you slowly creep and slowly climb up the mounting hill, everyone knows what is ahead. What prepares you for that? Well, experience tells you that you've been there before and you can make it through. That friend next to you? They tell you that you are not alone. The past memories tell you that those hills, the climb, the fall, the thrill, they never last for ever, but there is a chance to get back on and there is a chance to enjoy the down time as well. Life is a ride. The fear and the excitement and the unknown... the challenges, set backs and chance in it all. Sometimes you sit at the front and let the wind blow in your face as you scream to the world "I can do anything!" While other times it is better to sit further in the back, watching the others take on the experience and learning from them. Then, you step off, pick up your belongings and go on living your life. Every once in awhile you will think of that time, on the top of the ride, going faster than you'd ever imagine on the ride, the thought when you feared for tomorrow. And in that moment, there will be no greater satisfaction than taking in the surroundings, taking in a deep breath and breathing out that yes... you did it. You made it till now, and for now that is enough. Because now, that is an accomplish in itself.



"Something has changed within me, something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game. Too late for second guessing, to late to going back to sleep. It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap."


Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity.



And if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free.

Venting 101. Proceed with caution.

I feel the need to blog and process and vent and then probably delete. What have I done to myself over the past few weeks, where did this come from? Who is this person that stares at me through the mirror? What is going on? Priorities, out the window... Stress is off the charts. And all is coming from within. In psychology we have a term for this; it's called self handicapping. It is most noticable in athletic and testing situations. People will purposefully set themselves up for failure. Ridiculous, right? Who would do such a thing! But the truth is we do it all the time. We chose to watch a show instead of study that extra hour, get less sleep than we should have or spend more time on things that are less valuable (facebook and other social media) than put our effort into the things that matter. Why? So that when we fail (not always fail, but that is what you are setting yourself up for) you will have an excuse. It's comfort. It helps you sleep at night knowing that you did 'what you could' but could have done better, just maybe, if you had chosen the other road, the wiser decision in it all.
So here I stand, or more-so sit. In the same chair I've been for the past four hours. Four hours in the same chair?! Yes. So I should have a lot done and a lot to show, but instead I don't. And I recognize this in me. Now because there is so much to do tomorrow I will not have as much time to spend at my internship, I might feel the need to skip class to make up for what was not done now and I just might have to give up my shift at work, which are all very important and crucial right now, to make up for what should be getting done now.
But I need to process.
I need to allow myself to take in what I am doing right now.
And get it off my chest, even just for this temporary moment.
I am creating this image of myself that does not match up with the same person that I have been for the past 22 years of my life, or more relevantly, 6 or so years of my life. I have not worked for the past four years, not necessarily to build my resume, but to build experience and life and understanding to throw it away. I might not always believe it, but I need to realize for myself and my own safety and future that I am better than that. I have found something that I have dreamt of doing, and spent FOUR YEARS PLUS preparing for! And I am going to throw it away because of stress? Who is putting this stress on me? Sure my parents want me to find a job and people would like to see me succeed, but it is me, consumed by my own selfish thoughts and doubt that is doing this. I am causing all of this! The doubt, the questions, the uncertainty and all of this boils down to my lack of confidence in myself and own abilities. Truth? The Lord has blessed me with this beautiful path of life that I am normally very grateful for. Through thick and thin, the early mornings and late nights, the trials and joys-- all of it has lead me to this point. And what do I do? Turn my back from the course and attempt to erase, to scribble in new lines, attempting to go back and rework the art that has been completed and solid for a long time.
What now?
Stop wallowing. Stop questioning. Give up the doubt! Here you are and here you stand: two feet on solid ground. Not a quitter and not this person. I don't need the affirmation from others that I am headed in the 'right' direction, I don't need others to see or know what I am going through each moment and minute. I have been independent for so long, what is the point of suddenly giving into my feelings of need for those things that have always been unnecessary in the past? Yes, there is uncertainty and a lot up in the air for the future, but there is also joy and hope and experience to be gained and ENJOY. From the inside out I have wanted and strove for this most of my days... and here I am at the brink of embracing the joy and excitement of change and a new, greater challenge, and I want to turn and run? I want to bury my head in the sand? I want to give up?
Hold on-- give up?
No. No no no. Haha, Steph- you are going to give yourself some credit here. Your power, determination and unstoppableness throughout life has been what makes you stand out, and makes you you! Lets put it in physical terms so that you can understand and realize the potential from within that you have had and experienced in other things, and channel those thoughts of confidence and drive into your LIFE::: swimming. Freshman year (high school). Ages ago! Yet so clear. I got lapped in warm ups! I was so scared of being so bad I did the self handicapping thing and did anything I could to get OUT of having to go to practice pre season! You were by no means great your freshman year, but a piece of you fell in love, because yes Stephanie, you are capable of love, and even after disqualifying yourself at the final meet your freshman year, you allowed yourself another chance, and turned that 'failure' 'hopelessness' 'uncertainty' and 'doubt' into so much more. With determination and not a care what others thought or made up their minds to- you went out there for preseason sophomore year, determined, and certain of yourself. Uneasy at first, suddenly there was a rhythm and a grove to it. And not only did you end that preseason going under a minute in the 100 free, you actually made it to stateeeeeee that year! And on relays. You went from the person without much direction, turned it into focus and it payed off. For the next three years. So much that you couldn't get enough of it and that love lead you to college. Lead you to your life. Lead you to experience after experience, with people and places, feelings and events that you could never have dreamt of. I mean come on, a month ago you ran outside and were so proud of running 3 miles for the first time! Now you can run 10! Pure determination, heart and relentless refusing to give in or give up. Or anything even close to that!
Sure, you might not have it all, you might not have it all together or have all the things that you could or taken all the opportunities that you could have, but what you have is yourself. Potential to do more. Love for learning! Absolutely a love for adventure and diving in deep. There is no skimming the surface any more.


definitely not meant to be self glorifying. but back in the day i kept a journal, for swimming. i told myself daily that it was possible. the power of self talk helped propel me to the different areas of my life. for so long now i have been overpowered and beat down by what i think i should be doing or what i think others think of me. does that really matter? am i going to be someone who lets that determine my next phase, my next step or the next move in my book- in my game? not one bit. i am me for a reason and will go places that i dream of. that is the excitement. that is the thrill. that is the possibility and potential. maybe i am not ready to think of the rest of my life, but maybe i am ready to reflect on what my life has and is and turn it into something along the lines of what it will and can be. its a beautiful thing. stop trying to make it ugly, steph!

go. be. do.
right?

lets go.